One Thing I'D Like to Learn

One thing I’d like to learn, just for the sake of knowing, is how to be less of a bitch. Now, pardon my brazenness, but this interest spawns from both a passion for knowledge and yearning for improvement. I also don’t feel the need to apologize for investing in such a non-academic pursuit. Even Gerald Graff, professor at the University of Illinois, believed in intellectual learning outside the classroom. He once wrote,

“We associate the educated life, the life of the mind, too narrowly and exclusively with subjects and texts that we consider inherently weighty and academic. We assume that it’s possible to wax intellectual about Plato, Shakespeare, the French Revolution, and nuclear fission, but not about cars, dating, fashion, sports, TV, or video games.”

Also, given recent events, I feel a heady desperation for the topic at hand as it directly affects my very livelihood. Allow me to explain.

At 4 A.M. this morning, I awoke curled up on the couch. Taking a second to recall how I got there, I soon realized it was the direct result of one of my bitch-like antics. You see, my wife and I had a minor disagreement the night before. And instead of working it out, I reverted to my passive-aggressive ways. I wasn’t going to tell her she upset me. I wanted her to figure it out. So instead of going to bed together, I obstinately slept in the living room.

Now whether she took the hint or not, I haven’t the slightest idea. When morning came, I did my usual routine: went to the bathroom, took a shower, turned off the TV… Oh crap!

The moment I did it, I knew I’d made a mistake. If there’s one thing my wife can’t stand, it’s a lack of noise. Some may wake to drums blaring, but not her. So when she bolted out of bed, I instantly grew tense. After all, I may have calmed down about last night but who knows how she took it. She may even still be festering over the fact that we slept apart.

But once again, nothing happened. She too, went about her usual routine as if it were 8...