No Effing Way

I had not realized that my life was missing something until I saw your face that night…. I did not realize this right away, but as the night passed and the more we talked it was very clear. I miss you more than I had realized. I had always known that I had a special love for you since you are my first. I thought that time would change the way I felt and I would not feel such strong feelings I felt that night. The things you said did not help the old memories we share all came flashing back the first night we met, and the many crazy nights we shared. I was not a very nice person to you when I was younger.. I had my selfish ways. I wish I could change that one thing about our past. I do want to thank you though, words cannot express the appreciation I have for you and all that you did teach me over the years. I can take that with me as I move forward in life the lessons learned from losing you… I think I lost the one for me or at least that is what has been going through my head since I saw you. The look in your eyes told me something, but I could be delusional it could just be your look. I wish I could ask you, I wish I could see you because I feel like even though we spent hours together we didn’t say the things we wanted too. The only thing you know is that I think about you. I think about you in more than just a sexual way although in the car I was very close to being tempted. You said I never changed, I was exactly the same… hmmm I wonder if you expected me to turn you down or not be tempted? One thing has changed about me… I won’t be second best!! I want to be number one when it comes to you.