Jokes

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. 

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. 

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh."   "She socked me one." 

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."

"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.  The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be

bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her...