Blah

December 21, 2011.

I talked to the “girl of my dreams” today. She keeps asking me if I am homosexual or bisexual. What do I say to that? How do I defend myself now? How am I suppose to react when the girl I like is even questioning my sexuality, but tells me EVERYTIME she asks that she is just kidding? I don’t think she means it as a joke? She is really asking cause it’s bothering her that I act the way I do. Sure I get my eyebrows waxed and I take care of myself, but that does not automatically label me a homosexual. I may not talk masculine like the rest of the guys in this world, but none of those guys have a heart like I do. I wish I wasn’t me sometimes. It hurts me every time a girl tells me that. When I have been made fun of because I don’t act the way I should. Do I blame how I was raised? Not entirely. I blame my dad. I was never taught how to throw a football or how to hit a baseball with a bat. I tried to be the best son I can be so my dad isn’t embarrassed to be around me. But now it’s worse. I’m 19 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I have never shared that first kiss with someone I really care about. Yeah I kissed a girl, but I never really liked them. I was never happy to be with them. The first kiss was a dare and the second one was because I thought I had to. Am I confused about my sexuality because of criticism I went through as a kid? Or is it from being a virgin? I have tried watching porn; I just get disgusted every time I do. I can’t look at one and enjoy it. I’m not like any guy in this world. I used to pray and cry why am I the way I am, but because of no answer, I have given up on praying for now. I know there is a God and I fear him, but I have lost so much of my faith in the Bible and the whole relationship with Christ. I lost it when everything went downhill and I could no longer trust any human on this Earth. Also when I cried every night when I was in sixth grade because I thought I was never going to heaven for feeling the...