My Hiv Infection

Martin Hernandez III

910967413

I was so afraid of being infected by HIV as a child—I’m the biggest hypochondriac—and now I have come to find out I’m HIV positive; my world as I know it has changed forever. I will always feel filthy and insignificant—due to the sigma behind HIV given by my ethnic and cultural groups. My depression and self-repugnance began to fade away as I become more knowledgeable about the virus I have contracted. With knowledge comes the ability to embrace the situation, making me feel comfortable enough to converse with people about my HIV status: hoping to come across the infected person I interacted with, and doing my part in preventing transmission.

I wouldn’t be able to leave the house for days after finding out I am HIV positive—becoming a reclose, and having to shower hours on end in order to feel clean, but never really accomplishing that feeling. Paranoia kicked in within the first couple of weeks—I didn’t want to make physical contact with anybody in fear of transmitting this horrid fate onto someone else. Alienation for a long period of time will drive one into a deep depression, but knowing that my life will continue after having a positive diagnosis will help raise my morale. Finally, after getting through my grieving process—adapting to the predicament I find myself in—I began to establish my support system: first, by confessing my condition to my girlfriend, immediate family, and friend’s—then by joining actual HIV support groups like The Shanti Project¹ on Polk Street, because I need the knowledge, and motivational support to maintain a healthy life, and reduce the risk of me transmitting to others and other health-risking behaviors.

Naturally I am a paranoid hypochondriac, so initially I didn’t recognize my paranoid behavior. I had just found out my results, and there was just no way in hell I could tell anyone that have tested positive—not even my girlfriend. She immediately sensed something was up when I had...