Coke vs Pepsi

There can be no doubt: Coca Cola is far and away superior to any Pepsi product.

The reasons for this go far beyond mere flavor, as they must since flavor alone could never settle the matter decisively. Any arguments appealing to the superiority of one flavor over another are Kantian "matters of taste" and not subject to the same stringent standards of judgment that are generally applied to pro and con arguments on a point. So, in order to come to a conclusion in this matter, the debate must move beyond the boundaries of preference and flavor that have traditionally bounded it.

Let's start with history.

A beverage with a storied history, Coca Cola used to contain cocaine. That's what the "Coca" means: in distant and better times, the drink was infused with extract of the coca plant. Such a soda would stand head and shoulders above the pusillanimous "energy drinks" that are all the rage these days. Such drinks have, in fact, dominated the oughts of the first century of this new millennium. They may try, with their caffeine, ginseng, and guarana, to recapture the glory days when men were men and Coca meant cocaine. But, largely due to oppressive federal regulations and the "war on drugs," those days are likely gone forever.

Two words about utility.

Coca Cola contains so much phosphoric acid that it can be used to remove rust from car bumpers, most notably from chrome steel. Such claims are usually the province of expensive industrial cleaning products and dangerous solvents. What other beverage could hope to compete in an arena populated by such heavyweights?

Research has shown that uninterrupted exposure to Coca Cola for one week is sufficient time to dissolve an adult molar completely. Given the similarity in composition of teeth and bone, it's not unreasonable to assume that with enough Coca Cola, one could dissolve those human remains that are most troublesome to dispose of. What alternatives are there in the field of corpse disposal? Quicklime?...