Mc Speech

Please join us in welcoming the parents of the bride and groom:

Please join us in welcoming the wedding party:

• And finally, the reason why we are all here to celebrate tonight, newlyweds

Please welcome xxxxxxxxxxxxx, to lead us in grace.

The Perfect Day for Him and Her

Wakeup to hugs and kisses...

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage

5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

10:00 Hot shower (alone)

10:30 Make love

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him:

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blowjob

6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today

7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport

8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens

12:15 Blowjob

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)

2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew

4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)

5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland

6:45 Shit, shower and...